The barmaid was very young, petite, blonde, and sexy. I was feeling desperate and reckless. Your love had taken off for the stars, and I stayed behind on earth, pursuing its pleasures without conviction. On the TV screen hanging just below the ceiling, a German porn movie was playing. A man on all fours, dressed as a dog, shuffled past me on a leash. I was slowly drinking myself into what I wanted to be: someone who would dare to be me.
The blonde barmaid was dancing with strangers, taking tips with her sweet smile. She came over to my table and started swaying in front of me. I grabbed her waist and felt ugly. She was soft and pneumatic like Huxley’s Lenina. We danced, and she kissed my lips. All for free.
The only reason I’m still alive is a mix of luck and stubborn reason. My brain is too strong for my heart. I have followed the path that saves me from myself, the one that kills my desires before they destroy me. It’s a defense mechanism that keeps life at arm’s length.
You look so beautiful in the red light.
Dance for me
When human pain has struck me fiercely, when anger has corroded me, I rise, I always rise after the crucifixion, and I am in terror of my ascensions
Anaïs Nin, ‘House of Incest’